Addiction and Recovery, Blog

Where’s that bloodie miracle damnit?

Don't give up before the miracle happens
Arrrrrrrrggghhhhh!!  Today is one of those days when my monkey mind is screaming,”OH FOR FUCK’S SAKES!! Where’s this bloodie miracle I’ve been promised?”

I could write on this topic for hours, but I’ll keep it short – mostly because I’m in a helluva grump. So here it is…. a quick vomit up of my thoughts on day when all the hard work I’ve been putting in seems like it’s all for nothing. (You see I’m human after all – not just pink juice and positivity) 

I know you can relate!!  We all have these days and they suck balls.
You put in extra hours at work and your lazy friend gets the promotion. You work your ass off at the gym and you’re still putting on weight?
You do all the “right” things to set yourself up for success and you still fall flat on your face.
It’s that day for me today.

And just when we feel justified in a complete melt down, some trite saying pops up on Facebook that make you wanna puke! Like this one, “Don’t quit until the miracle happens”.  You hate it because you want to feel justified in saying “Fuck it!”.  And yet a part of you holds onto the hope that it’s true.

Well right now my mind is running something like, “You telling me that I’m just 10inches from gold? What a steaming pile of horseshit!  I have just been dumped in the poo by life – and that’s the reality.”

“But then again,” notices a higher, wiser self, “I am here, still clean after 21 days (the longest stretch I have EVER managed), and I am reaching out for help and writing about my thoughts and aggravations – a far healthier way to handle stress than stuffing down a loaf of white bread and peanut butter and running to the bathroom to throw it all up.”

I am 21 days clean and I haven’t given in yet.
Three weeks ago I would have relapsed.
Three months ago I couldn’t stay clean for more than a few hours.

So maybe the miracle is here after all? 

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Yep, that feels better.

Image: Taken by me on the Otter Trail in 2009 – at dawn right before sunrise.  Just moments before an actual Otter swam up to me an played in the waves for ages – completely unaware of my presence until I reached for my camera – which frightened him away!  A wonderful reminder not to be so busy trying to capture the moment that we miss it. 

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